THE PARTICIPATION TROPHY FOR FRUITLESS FOOTWORK: 15-Minute Standing Ovations
Are European theater seats just that uncomfortable? Because each year, festival standing ovations get longer. At Venice, record applause for The Smashing Machine and The Testament of Ann Lee had guests leaving with numb palms and others with outsized expectations. Ovation-induced buzz helped make respective stars Dwayne Johnson and Amanda Seyfried early favorites … but they end this season empty-handed.
Glaser’s expert emcee work during the most recent two Golden Globes telecasts was like a pair of defibrillator paddles that hilariously resurrected a show most of us were fine to let die on the table. Hopefully, the delay in confirming her 2027 return was because the Brink’s truck was stuck in traffic. She’s worth every discontinued penny.
After releasing his celebrated sendup of police states, immigration raids and white supremacy in an America confronting all three, the One Battle After Another filmmaker deftly avoided discussing … any of that. But after nearly five press-shy months, when the frontrunner was finally cornered at BAFTA, the best he could muster was, “I’m not a politician, but I’m a filmmaker.” You’re also a writer, PTA, and we know you can do better than that.
TREND THAT NEEDS TO RIP: Dead Children
Granted, only one movie hinged on a kiddo kicking the bucket — let’s poureth out a mug of ale for Hamnet, shalt we? — but some of these filmmakers are clearly working through stuff. From The Testament of Ann Lee and Train Dreams to If I Had Legs I’d Kick You and Sirat, dead, dying and jeopardized offspring were unavoidable this year. It’s time for a new trauma trope. Anything but dogs.
BRIGHTEST FUTURE IN ANOTHER LINE OF WORK: Timothée Chalamet
Does CMO stand for Chalamet Marketing Offensive? Because our guy’s Marty Supreme performance is only eclipsed by his turn as pitchman. The 18-minute fake pitch meeting! The blimp! The Wheaties box! He made an art house film about a jerk who plays ping-pong the cinema event of the holidays. No star has worked harder to put butts in seats since Barbie.
QUICKEST OSCAR HOPEFUL KO: Sydney Sweeney
After a summer spent airing out the stench of her weird denim campaign, her year was supposed to turn around with Christy — a gritty boxing biopic with all the trappings of a prestige play (read: a bad haircut). When the film was DOA, her awards campaign evaporated. But then The Housemaid nabbed nearly $400 million and got the producer-star a sequel. So, weep not for Sweeney.
SOPHIE’S CHOICE REMAKE WE DIDN’T SEE COMING: WBD vs. WBD
Call it an embarrassment of riches, but whew, boy, I do not envy Warner Bros. Motion Pictures chairs Mike De Luca and Pam Abdy. Best picture is all but guaranteed to go to One Battle After Another or Sinners, and they have to prep congratulatory remarks and pep talks for both Paul Thomas Anderson and Ryan Coogler. This must have been how Richard Williams felt watching Serena and Venus play each other.
THE AARP HONOR FOR TIRED TASTE: The Academy’s Music Branch
This group’s conservative taste in the best original score race has gone from conspicuous to offensive. Nothing electronic has gotten the top prize since The Social Network. (And, no, Soul doesn’t count.) Last year’s Challengers omission was a faux pas, but Daniel Lopatin’s snub for Marty Supreme should be a debated at The Hague.
This story appeared in the March 11 issue of The Hollywood Reporter magazine. Click here to subscribe.
