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Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here.
My husband and I are struggling with whether to send money to his half-sister, who just reached out asking for money to cover a life-saving surgery. My husband immigrated to the U.S. from an African country, and he routinely sends money to his parents and siblings, and pays for his nieces’ schooling, all of which I support (and some of it is our joint money).
Lately, he’s been receiving more requests for money for various things, like renovating a culturally significant structure that he personally doesn’t care about. Now his half-sister, whom he’s never met or spoken with, is asking for money for surgery. I want the decision to be mostly his, but he’s struggling with what to do because he feels the requests for money will be endless as long as he fulfills them. He’s even worried our infant daughter will inherit these requests for money when she’s older. How do we go about this?
I know I haven’t said how much money my husband’s half-sister is asking for, because she hasn’t said, and we haven’t asked (yet). We’re lucky to both have relatively good-paying jobs, but we have a very high mortgage, and our costs are about to skyrocket when our daughter starts daycare. We also want to be able to afford another child. My husband sending money to his family has never been a problem in our marriage, but it is something we talked a lot about before getting married. This latest request, on top of other pending requests, has him struggling with how to proceed with this specific request and going forward. I suggested he establish a budget of money to send home and be clear about that with his family and enforce that boundary, but we also wouldn’t know how to handle it if a request like this came after the annual budget was spent. My husband will probably just send her the money, because he would feel awful if we hear that she’s died, as would I. But what is the right way to go about this?
Saving a life and then setting a budget is the right approach. Whatever the surgery costs (it sounds like it’s unlikely that it will be a huge stretch for you to afford it), you can think of it as the price you’re paying for a needed wake-up call: You need a clear approach to how you spend your money.
After that, as you said, set a budget that makes sense as a part of your larger financial goals and (this part is important!) that makes you both feel good, not angsty and conflicted. Maybe along with it, you could write a mission statement of sorts to guide your giving. I imagine it will have to do with covering necessary expenses for people your husband knows and loves (his half-sister, who he’s never met, can get a pass this time, but in the future, giving only to people with whom he has an established close relationship seems like a reasonable approach). Going forward, this will make it easier to decide that things like the culturally significant statue should receive support from someone else—preferably a person who really cares about them and isn’t budgeting for a double daycare bill.
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My niece just turned 13, and she is awful. She constantly swears, stomps around, and screams when she doesn’t get her way. Her parents just scramble around to please her every tantrum because whatever spine they had as parents, they lost in the divorce three years ago. When my niece gets told no, she gets red in the face and starts swearing at whatever parent is there and tells them she hates them and wants to go live with the other one. Then they run around to please her. There are no consequences, and her actions keep escalating.
So far, she had to change middle schools because she relentlessly bullied another girl. Her parents acted like she was a victim despite all the social media proof. My husband and I both volunteered for a local sports program that our oldest was in, and we have gotten a bird’s-eye view of the situation. My niece got physical with another player and was suspended. She cursed out the coach, and I was forced to take her home prematurely. She had to be basically dragged to my car and wouldn’t stop swearing and screaming. I stopped in front of the local police station and told her she could stop it, or I would drop her off here by herself. The threat actually worked, and she didn’t utter a peep until my brother got home and she turned on the waterworks. The response was my brother and his ex turning on me for “traumatizing” my niece and not automatically pulling strings to get her back in the program.
It has gotten so bad that my own mother doesn’t want to be around my niece because of her behavior, and our other sister refuses to be in the same room as her after she got physical with her younger cousins over a gaming console. My brother and his ex just make excuse after excuse. “She is just a kid.” “The divorce was hard on her.” “She turned into a teen.” “It isn’t that bad.”
It is that bad, and it is getting worse. She will end up in juvie at the rate she is going. I feel like I am watching a slow-moving car crash. Please don’t suggest therapy. Her parents put her in it during the divorce and let her quit after she said she didn’t want to go. They certainly refuse to listen to any of the expert advice they got from the school. Help!
I would never suggest therapy for your niece to you. Because it wouldn’t be your decision! You are not this child’s parent or guardian. Your love for her doesn’t change that. Your concern about her parents’ shortcomings doesn’t change that. Not only is this not your business, but you don’t have better ideas or a better connection with your niece than her parents do. I shouldn’t even have to say this, but it is not OK to produce your own episode of Scared Straight! with a kid who is not yours.
In general, I really feel for relatives who worry about the experience their nieces, nephews, grandchildren, and others are having. You know that old saying about how having a child is like having your heart walking around outside your body? When you aren’t their parent, having a child you love is like having your heart walking around outside your body, but you have absolutely no say over what happens to that heart. I get that it’s hard. I also feel you’re motivated not just by love but by judgment and a desire for control. The strength of your perspective is a mismatch for the role you actually play in your niece’s life.
Take a huge step back. Detach from this whole situation. Your passion for the well-being of adolescents is admirable, but to influence a kid’s life, you need an invitation from their parents to do so—and it helps to have a baseline of positive regard for the child. Both of those things are missing here. I’m glad to hear that you already volunteer with a youth sports program. Put all of your passion for changing lives there, and don’t say another word to or about your niece unless you’re asked.
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In September, I started dating “Johnny,” who is 30 and works in the same industry as me. We really hit it off; most nights, we stayed up talking for hours. Yet by October, he needed space because he didn’t feel “ready to settle down.”
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A week later, he returned with a new lease on life, and by November, he asked me to be his girlfriend. I even met his family around Christmas. But in January, he broke things off, again, by saying he wasn’t ready for a serious relationship. (My friends saw him on Hinge a week later.) I feel hurt, but I am also happy I can focus on finding someone more mature. We haven’t spoken since. But on Valentine’s Day, he began liking all my social media posts, undoubtedly for attention. I refuse to engage. I think of blocking him online, but then I might run into him on the job. What’s an elegant solution here?
One of the best innovations in recent history is the “mute” function on Instagram. I’m sure whatever other platforms you’re using have something similar. Change your settings so that you don’t see anything Johnny posts, but you don’t have to have a conversation about why you blocked him either.
