Relationships in your life will go through highs and lows, but there will inevitably be some people in your orbit who seem to make your life a little harder. Given how tricky it can be to weed people out of your life, you may end up tolerating them longer than you should.
Now, new research is here with a wakeup call: People who make your life more difficult may be taking years off of your life. That’s the major takeaway from a new study published in PNAS, which breaks down exactly how much so-called “hasslers” are impacting your biological age.
Sure, no one is able to sail through life being constantly surrounded by loving, supportive people. But the findings provide scientific evidence that some people in your circle may be bringing you down in more ways than one. Here’s what’s behind this, plus what mental health experts want you to keep in mind.
The study is a fascinating look at how relationships impact your health.
For the study, researchers surveyed 2,345 people between the ages of 18 and 104 about the relationships in their life, including who they’re close to, who they talk to about certain topics, and who hassles them. The researchers also asked the participants how often these so-called “hasslers” caused problems or made their life more difficult.
After that, the researchers took saliva samples from each participant and analyzed them for chemical markers on DNA that can change as someone ages to measure their biological age. They stacked that data against what the participants had said about the relationships in their life to see if hasslers were linked with faster biological aging.
The researchers had some disturbing findings after crunching the data. Each hassler in a person’s life sped up their biological aging by about 1.5% and made their cells look about nine months older than the person’s actual age. There were a few other interesting details in the mix, including that women were more likely to be impacted on a cellular level by these hasslers than men and that family and friends had a deeper impact compared to spouses.
“Most of what we know about social relationships and health has focused on the protective power of friends and family who buffer stress and promote well-being,” Byungkyu Lee, PhD, lead study author and associate professor of sociology at NYU, tells SELF. “But nearly 30% of adults report someone in their inner circle who regularly makes life harder.” Those toxic relationships can cause stress that “leaves a biological trace,” he adds.
Why do toxic people impact us so much?
There are likely a few things going on here. A big one, per Dr. Lee, is that hasslers can cause chronic stress in your life. This sparks chain reaction in your body, causing the release of the stress hormone cortisol which fuels inflammation, he explains.
If you deal with a hassler here and there, it’s likely not a big deal for your health, according to Dr. Lee. But when this is an ongoing thing—meaning, you have a coworker or family member who seems hellbent on making life harder for you—it can lead to what Dr. Lee calls “cumulative biological wear and tear.”
“These ‘hasslers’ are not just stressful; They are associated with measurable acceleration in biological aging at the molecular level, along with higher inflammation, depression, anxiety, and chronic disease burden,” Dr. Lee says. Over time, that can shorten your life, Aaron P. Brinen, PsyD, assistant professor of Psychiatry & Behavioral Sciences at Vanderbilt University Medical Center, tells SELF.
When hassling is chronic, you start to anticipate the anxiety that will come from these interactions, which makes the stress even worse, Thea Gallagher, PsyD, clinical associate professor of psychology at NYU Langone Health, tells SELF. “Then, you’re bracing for impact and it takes a physical and mental toll,” she says.
The lower impact of spousal hasslers is a little confusing, but Dr. Lee has a theory for this. “Spousal relationships often combine negative and positive exchanges in ways that differ from other close ties,” he says “A spouse who hassles you is also often someone you share daily routines, resources, and emotional intimacy with, which may offset or complicate the effects of conflict.”
On the other hand, hasslers who are family “may create stress that feels deeply embedded and hard to escape, but without the same balancing mix of daily intimacy and mutual investment,” Dr. Lee says. (The study found that hasslers who weren’t family but weren’t spouses, like coworkers or acquaintances had a moderate impact on aging.)
The reality is, some relationships are easier to cull than others. If you have a “friend” who is low-key making your life miserable, it may be a little easier to weed them out than, say, a family member or coworker.
If you’re dealing with a hassler that you can’t fully get out of your life, Dr. Brinen suggests focusing on your own reaction to them. “You can step back and reframe and restructure the way you’re choosing to take this,” he says. When it comes to family, Dr. Brinen points out that you probably aren’t going to be able to change them. “But you may be able to change how you perceive what they do and how you respond to their actions,” he says.
Meaning, if it feels like you’re constantly dealing with a barrage of criticism from your mom, you can simply choose to tune her out, recognize that it may be her backwards way of showing she cares, or limit your future interactions. “Ultimately, the only person you can control is yourself,” Dr. Brinen says.
Dr. Gallagher also recommends working on strengthening boundaries, as well as how you interpret the hassling that’s coming your way. “Think of yourself as having a bubble around you,” she says. You can strengthen that bubble by creating boundaries and focusing on the positive relationships in your life, Dr. Gallagher says. Dr. Lee also recommends trying to do what you can to expand your social circles so that you’re not placing so much emphasis on the existing ones, including those with hasslers.
Stress-mitigating techniques like meditation, deep breathing, and a regular exercise routine may also help you cope, Dr. Brinen says. And, if you ultimately find that these relationships are doing more harm than good, Dr. Gallagher says you may want to consider “quiet quitting” toxic people in your life, even family. “You may say to yourself, ‘This doesn’t make me feel good, and I need to take a step back,’” she says.
Dr. Gallagher stresses that the research underscores the importance of treating the relationships in your life as part of a healthy lifestyle. “Social health is your real health,” she says. “Your health needs come first.”
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